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| So i have so much on my mind. Thinking that i'd be able to write an essay here on xanga to vent...but now that I'm here I don't even know where to begin? Ive been thinking a lot these days about everything... actually, I'm always thinking, but this weekend because its been a quiet one I've had more alone time. More time to think about me, us-what use to be, you, the future. I've become someone so different from what I use to be... its funny because I never really thought people could change involuntarily. I always thought 'if someone changes, they know they are doing so' ... but its so not like that. Ive become someone that I never once would have thought to become. Although i can sit here and say 'yes ive changed'... I cant stop it from happening? I want to make myself go back to how I use to be, the happier, more positive me... but going back to that right now, would be pretending. And I would not last. I'd be lucky to even last half a day being 'happy'. It is really tiring, I'm not going to lie... Im sick of being so angry at everything and 'hating life' ... I need to change. Or else I'm going to drive myself crazy...its already happening. To say this is all your fault, is not true. Not at all. I dont, havent and never will blame you for anything that has happened and to what Ive become.
You made a choice that made you happy, and that's all I want. If not being with me, is what makes you happy, then I'm glad you made that decision. But... Ive been thinking, I wonder if i tried a littler harder when you said you wanted to end it, would you have stayed? Maybe if I didnt start that last fight we had... things would have been different?
I could have promised you anything if you would stay by my side.
I hate not having you.
I hate not having an 'us'.
Everything says "Oh its just your first love, you'll be right soon" ... but its been over 4 months. And i still am hurting as much as i hurt that moment you walked out of the door and out of my life.
Its amazing how I can still remember things so well about us, every detail. Things you said, things you've done.
I hate when I'm just having the shittest day (which I have pretty much every day now) and I think back to how much better I felt receving a hug from you ... and then it hurts, because I cant get that hug. And probably never will. baaaaaaaah!!!!! going to rip my hair out. | | |
| Its been a bad week... Thought that I was doing pretty well these last couple of weeks, but dont know why these two days have just been shit. Dont really know what i want to say here, but just really felt like writing something to express how shit i feel. Eww, Sorry if you read this. This is all just blah blah blah blah blah. Just like my life right now, one massive BLAH. | | |
| When Its All Over...
"Aww he's so happy with you"
Bullshit.
"Ive seen a change in him"
Lies
"He does love you"
I wish!!!
So this is what it feels like...
You always thought 'yeah it wont be too hard,ill just cry for a few
hours,eat a tub of ice cream,sit around with the girls and a box of new
tissues,cry a little more and it will all be better....'
I mean,how much can it actually hurt right?Its not like someones
actually physically grabbing a knife and stabbing you repeatedly...or
slashing your chest open,reaching in,ripping it out and throwing it on
the floor ...
But now ive learnt that its actually not that easy...In just after less than 24 hours i already want to
a)Rip my brain out so it stops thinking
b)Knock myself out and when doing so hopefully when I wake up I forget the part about us because ive hit a certain nerve
c)Stab myself in the stomach because its probably easier to handle then feeling this sick in the stomach
After it all being done and over,the worst part of it all is how much you realise you actually miss someone...
You cry because you know hes going to forget all this so quickly and
you will soon become just another face amongst all the others.
You cry because his smell in your room is going to dissappear.
You cry because he is no longer going to hold your hand and introduce you as "My girlfriend".
You cry because you can no longer call him yours.
And its like all of a sudden everything seems to remind you of him
(considering pretty much almost everything did anyway)...but its not
even just physical surroundings and smells etc. Its even things that
come out of your mouth.Just in general chatter..and what,its not like
you're going to stop talking alltogether...as much as you want to.
It gets worse.
You cant let you're friends touch you even though they're jyst trying
to help and offer comfort...As much as I appreciate it I just can not
have antone touch me in any way because,honestly the only one you want
comfort from,is not going to give it to you.DEAL WITH IT
You hate silences and darkness because it only makes you think
more...yet at the same time anything you hear right now makes you think
of him.
So now what?It early hours of the morning and you can't call him like
you have been so use to doing and you can't fall asleep because you
haven't called yet... you close you're eyes and try. Seconds later
they're open and you look at the time praying it has been hours.
Unfortunetly not.
So then the blaming,wondering,'what-if'ing begins...
You get the mental image in your head of him with his next girlfriend.
Telling him the things he told you.
Promising things he promised you.
Kissing her.
Holding her hand.
Calling her baby.
Waking up to her voice.
Telling her he misses her.
Her being the one that scratches his back and makes him feel good
Talking about the future/kids/marriage with her.
Her being the first and last person he messages.
Wanting to see her all the time...
and the most horrible feeling is that the girl he next does all this with/for...is actually going to be worth his time.
Unlike you.
You feel there is no one to blame but yourself (Yes i lied,what i said before was not the worst part)... So two options
A)You've done something wrong
B)You were't and are't good enough
You brainstorm option A: If i had done something wrong, he would have
brought it up,layed his cards out on the table and expressed his
discontent. We would have moved on,I would have done everything to fix
it. Things would have worked out and i'd still be wanted.
No dice?
Ok,option B must be it.
You did the best you could,always put him number one,treated him how
you thought a perfect person and loved person should be treated,decided
to make huge sacrifices for him (even though he probably didnt
understand the extent of the consequences),gave him %110 of what you
had to offer,never said one bad thing about him....
Yes,this must be it.If you really treated him so well,any one would
have appreciated it. But he didn't so there is obviously changes you
need to make in yourself.
Looks
Personality
Habits
Anything.
No,guess thats it. You come with nothing special so after the feeling
of having something new disappears you have nothing going for you...you
obviously are not good enough and certainly not worth staying around
for.
You have to change something or else you dont deserve to be loved by someone.And you wont be.
So,sure after all this gut wrenching talk,sleepless nights,eyes swollen
to the size of golfballs due to the amount of tears...anyone would
think 'Yeah not ever going back to him/that'
You build a thousand feet wall that no male is ever possibly going to climb or knock down....
Yes,no one...
EXCEPT for him.
He would be able to knock the wall down witj his pinky finger.
You know it but you don't want to admit it.
But for now you will have to deal with the basic truth.
He doesnt like you and doesnt want to be with you anymore.
You may sit there and cry for hours over him.
But he wont.
You may miss him and think of him every minute.
But he wont.
You want to be with him.
He doesnt have any interest in you.
And you are going to accept it. Because having him as a friend,possibly
a good friend,how it use to be is so much more acceptable then not
having him in your life at all.
You are always going to love him.
Pursue hard at the friendship.Make it work.
Because you werent good girlfriend material but you were good
friendship material... go back to being 'One of the guys' ... because
"[he's] always going to like you" ... just not in the way that you want
him to.
Maybe its going to be like movies or other couples you know where he
realises he misses you too and wants you back just as much as you want
him... Kind of makes you really want to ask those of your friends who
have reconnected with their exes and are happily and strongly together
and ask what the process was to achieve that.
Then perhaps you can take sone notes and successfully win him back...
Doubtful. Very doubtful.
You have nothing going for you remember!!!
Mmmm.... maybe one day.
Miracles do happen...or so Ive been told.
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| Wow, I can not believe it has been a year since I have been on Xanga... Reading back, I really really wish I had the power to rewind back to this exact time of 2008... This was when it all began... we first started becoming close... getting messages from you almost everyday... having long sms conversations with you... Funny how one year I am having the best year of my life. and the very next year, I am completely bruised and battered, broken and torn... To go from hearing from you everyday, to nothing...is such a werid feeling and after almost 3 months, I am still not use to it! I can not help but think "Why havent I heard from you? Why arent you messaging me to see how I am? Its been almost a week!" but I forget ; you no longer have to message me anymore. You no longer care. You don't need to. I don't have a right to demand your attention... to you, I am now just another face amongst your crowd and soon to be a forgotten memory... I really wish someone could just hit me across the head with a bat so I can forget all this... or at least give me some actual physical pain that I can work on healing... becuase this pain in my heart just does not seem to want to go away... I cant remember how it felt to have light shoulders... can't remember how it feels to laugh and actually mean it. You are stil the first thing that I think of before I go to bed, and also the last... So because I don't have that magical ability to turn back time.... I keep re-playing memories of us in my head... I can remember everything so well... like it happened yesterday.... I know its bad and I should stop myself from thinking about you because all im doing is making myself more miserable but I can't help it... thinking of everything about us makes me happy because I can still pretend I have it all... I know I dont. And i know this has to stop......... It will...... I hope | | |
| Got a Rook Piercing today!!!  
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